conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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