So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
