She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
