I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
