10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
