I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
