I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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