Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm passing your future prison.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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