i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
