Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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