hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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