Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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