just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
