Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
