gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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