its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
