from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
