It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
