i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize