Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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