He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
