Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
