yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
