What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
