whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
