I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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