Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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