hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
