got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
