Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
