Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
