I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
