have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
