those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
