good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
