Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
