im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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