Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
