Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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