I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
