And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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