You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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