I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
