I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
