I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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