I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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