You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
