The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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