i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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