The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize