Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
