I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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