i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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