good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
pop tarts are not kleenex
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
