my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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