I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
