whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
